WARNING! This blog was written in jest, but Snakes aren‘t funny. They bite. Some are poisonous. Call your doctor or go to the emergency room if you are bitten.
No, the new snake does not rule. However, I am writing New Snake Rules. Recent events have convinced me that I need to update some of my Rules To Keep Me Living In the Country. Emphasis on “Living”. Staying alive is a top priority for me.
The pouty, little, rat terrier goes out at 10:00 every night. Ten is tee tee time. It used to, also, be the time we went to bed, but since neither of us work (referring to our employment status not our physical condition), we stay up later. The rat terrier’s bladder just hasn’t gotten the memo. Tonight, when we went outside, the other dogs were nosing around against the house and, then, suddenly, jumping backwards. Since our dogs don’t dance, I knew something was going on. Sniffin’, nosein’, and jumpin’ usually mean, “Snake!” Sometimes it means, “Rat!” or, “Grasshopper!” or, “Frog!,”. This time, it meant the statically favored “Snake!”.
When I was young and foolish, like last year, I thought it was so cool and mystical to be able to walk in the yard at night without my flash light and not trip and kill myself. Don’t ask why walking at night is different, but there is definitely something mystical going on because walking around in daylight causes me to trip and fall often. Notice the scar on my chin as well as the puncture mark on the left side of my upper lip. No, the puncture mark is not a memento from a date with a snake.
I saw a snake in the yard one night last week. I saw a snake in the yard last night. I saw a cotton mouth in the woods, today, thankfully from the relative safety of the four wheeler. I see snakes in the barn, the chicken coop, and in the Green Dragons. (This is not another country danger. It’s a plant.) I saw a copperhead snake in the carport one morning. That happened a few years back, but I get extra credit because this snake actually struck my foot. Luckily, it hit the boney top of my foot and couldn’t get a bite, so to speak. All of this must be God’s, “Heads up!” to me that I need to be more careful. Think, “Idiot Girl! Get a flashlight! And look where you‘re going while you‘re at it.”
There are three kinds of snakes: dead snakes, live snakes, and sticks that look like snakes. All of them can scare the bejeebers out of you! The rat terrier and I both have jumped at the sight of each of these. She screamed. I didn’t . I’m not afraid of snakes. She is. I do worry about the live ones being faster than I am, though, especially since a snake using a walker would be faster than I am. I’ve decided to take action. I’m amending my rules.
These are the annotated new rules.
Rule 1. Light Up the Night. Carry a flash light when you walk around at night. I am mighty lucky to NOT have won a free helicopter ride to the nearest emergency room already.
Rule 2. Be a Pistol Packin’ Momma. Shooting a snake can save you a lot of grief such as hysterical screaming, a coronary, or fainting and falling on a snake, not to mention, getting snake bitten. Carry your pistol when you walk in the woods especially in the summer. Snake are pretty darn lively when it’s warm. You can shoot a snake a lot faster than you can find a big stick and kill it. Especially, if you want the snake to be dead when you’re both finished workin‘ each other over. Even if you win, you will feel worked over.
Rule 3 Call Home, E.T. Carry your cell phone. If you lose your flash light, do NOT crawl around on the ground feeling for it. It’s okay to find a contact that way either in the daytime or at night. It is not okay to find a snake in either the dark or light. If your snake beatin‘ stick breaks, the pie chart chances of getting bitten increase. When the stick breaks, you probably have lost the match. If you shoot and miss, you have a better chance of getting away unscathed. Snakes don’t like the big bang in their ears any more than you do. If you lose the beatin’ or shootin’ match, you can still use your cell phone to call home so the heli can pick you up.
So in summary, don’t go outside at night without a flashlight. Very simple to remember. Save a life. Start with your own and work from there.
